(This is part of my occasional series on what I learned in
attending and teaching coaching seminars.)
How much time do you spending during the day listening to
others? I mean really listening – not
checking your email or doing other tasks while you’re on the phone with a
friend (or client), but paying full attention to the speaker.
We listen at different levels in the course of a
conversation. Sometimes, we are totally focused on ourselves, thinking about
what we’re going to say when it’s our turn to talk, what we’ll have for dinner,
why the chair isn’t adjusted properly… We’re spending more time listening to
ourselves than to the speaker. The message we send the listener: It’s all about me.
Sometimes, we are completely focused on the speaker, fully
processing what they are saying, and following them as they describe an event
or problem. In these situations, we are fully attuned to the speaker, and fully
present. This message: It’s all about you.
Sometimes, we are not only focused on the speaker, but we
are also aware of how other items within the environment at large are affecting
the conversation (“The sun has shifted enough that the speaker is squinting.
I’m going to shift to the left a little so that the speaker can shift as well.”)
This kind of “environmental listening” can be useful, but may serve to be
detrimental if the ability to listen to the speaker gets overridden by the
environment. (“Boy, that police car is really racing. It’s loud, but will go
away quickly. I wonder where they’re headed….”). The message: I’m paying attention to our interaction. Or
possibly: Oh, look at that shiny object…
We are not able to listen fully while we are otherwise
occupied. So pay attention to how you’re listening. Sometimes just being aware
that we can drift away helps us stay focused. Taking notes, or using other
active listening tools can be helpful too. Are you fully attentive, or is your
attention elsewhere?
I find that I am just as guilty as the next person of
floating off to my own little island and not paying real attention to the
conversation at hand. In fact, I kept finding myself slide into the
self-focused (non) listening style yesterday, especially while on phone calls. Why?
I kept thinking about this piece that I wanted to write about listening!
